Friday, June 26, 2009

Dear Dave Letterman

Dr. Mr. Letterman.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Roxe, but you may call me Miss Roxie or you may call me DIVA. I am a beautiful 12 year old little girl. My Mom says I am also precocious, even if I'm not sure what that means.

Mr. Letterman, I don't have long to live and I want to be a guest on your show before it's time to go to heaven, cause I don't think Jesus has TV in heaven, and even if he did, I'm too young to stay up that late to watch you.

You see I need to get myself some attention because I want my picture on a carton of Blue Bell ice cream with my very own flavor. My Mom called Blue Bell for me, but they didn't much like the idea. But if you like the idea, well heck, you're famous and Blue Bell will listen to you even if they won't listen to me.

Now I already know about all those stupid rules CBS has, but you see none of those rules apply to me, and the reason they don't is because I'm not a person, I'm a rottweiler. So you see I can't sue you if you don't like me cause Mom says dogs have no rights anyway, and the best they can hope for is loving families. Well I sure got myself a loving family alright, cause my Mom rescued me when I was just 7 weeks old. I had a broken leg and this man wanted to shoot me, and Mom stole me so he couldn't shoot me, and I been healthy and happy ever since. And I do love my Blue Bell ice cream. It's just the best. And you see the reason I need to get myself on the Blue Bell carton is because I want all dogs to know the joy of Blue Bell ice cream. There are lots of humans out there who don't know how to speak dog, but heck they can understand a picture. So when Moms don't know their pets want Blue Bell, it won't matter, cause Blue Bell will have told them dogs love Blue Bell by having my picture on the carton. Then all my friends can know the joy of Blue Bell ice cream.

Are you a dog lover Mr. Letterman? I bet your dog would love some Blue Bell too. You humans already have Blue Bell Vanilla Bean ice cream. But I tell you, what this world needs is some Dog Gone Good Vanilla Bone ice cream.

You know Mom says Jesus puts everybody on earth with a purpose. Your purpose is to make people laugh and you do a very good job of it. Well my purpose is to make dogs happy and telling their moms they really want Blue Bell ice cream. Only since all I can do is bark and lick, well I'm having a mighty hard time getting you humans to help me.

I'm not gonna live much longer either. I have hip dysplasia and mom gives me pills for incontinence. I can't help it. That's what happens when you get old. Mom says people get incontinence when they get old too. But I don't think it's my calling to promote doggie depends, cause somebody else already did that.

So Mr. Letterman don't you want to meet a beautiful young girl, who is sweet as pie and wants to do a good deed for all dogs, before I die. I been praying and yep, I sure think God wants us to meet. Afterall, he gave me enough smarts to write you a letter, so I must be doing something right. And you see, when I say my prayers every night, I tell God not to be in any hurry to get me to heaven cause I don't think God has any Blue Bell in heaven either, and he don't have my mom's rosemary chicken. I'd like to stay here as long as I can, but I'm an old girl and I need your help.

And Mr. Letterman, I have one more very special gift. I am a psychic dog and I can read minds. I know right now you're thinking I can't possibly read minds and my mom must be nutty as a fruitcake. Am I right? SEE, I told you I could read minds.

So since you like to have dogs on your show, really smart dogs like me, and since I have a real purpose for all dogs, I guess we need to meet before I get too old to travel. I promise I won't have no incontinence on your show cause I take my medicine everyday.

So Mr. Letterman, I'm looking forward to meeting you and together we are going to do good things for all dogs and get my picture on a carton of Blue Bell. Now ain't that special. And you thought you just made people laugh. Well let's show everybody how really really special you are.

LOVE, Miss Roxy Rottweiler

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